2012 was one sucktastic year. Mostly because I spent a good chunk of it laying foundations for stuff that will happen in 2013 and laying foundations is never fun. It's necessary but long and painful. With my 24th birthday already passed, I have started to think about what I want to accomplish while in my mid-twenties and the list is short, but attaining the goals in that short list requires a lot of stamina and patience. I do think though, that I've started off with a good day. I filmed a teaser for my short film last night, and quite frankly, it gave me a lot of confidence in my filmmaking abilities because here's a little secret I haven't shared with anyone - directing a big project sort of terrified me. So much stuff depending on my vision of a story is really stressful. Especially when your last fiction movie was called "Sisyphean" and although it was meant to be a drama, ended up a slightly ridiculous comedy. Well, there's also the fact that this isn't the minor leagues anymore. I'm walking on professional territory. My films will no longer be the subject to critique by a class of my peers who each have their own amateur idea of filmmaking. Instead, they will be subjected to critique by actual film critics who theoretically know their shit. Production is expected to be at a certain level, and vision is supposed to be groundbreaking in some way. Because, really, how will you make your mark otherwise?
It's scary. Scary in the way free-falling down an abyss Gandalf-style is scary for anyone but Gandalf. But then again, there is a certain thrill that comes with that fear and also hope that you remember to pull your parachute in time before you become a pancake on the side of the Balrog's home (which is entirely possible).
Yesterday I not only felt like a filmmaker again, but a director in my own right. I felt right at home and right in my element. I knew what I was doing, what I wanted, and how I wanted it. And I got it. It's refreshing to feel that wave of certainty amidst the chaos - both that which is generated by the filmmaking process and by trying to navigate life in my mid-twenties.
2013 definitely promises to be a better year. I hope it is for y'all too.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
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