Remembering A. G. Mendieta

My Grandfather died two weeks ago.

It feels weird to write that down. It feels weird to say it.

It feels even weirder to think that it has already been two whole weeks. I suppose I´ve been absorbed in work. There has been a lot of it. And a lot of errands to run before I leave.

I was the fourth person to hear about it in my family. First my uncle. Then my other uncle. Then my grandmother.

And me.

They couldn´t reach my father and they figured I could.

It was a weird moment. I was trying to solve some logistical issues at work concerning the locations we had to visit on the field the next day. The world whirled for a second. I was out the door to the patio the next.

It took 30 minutes to reach my father. His response was little more than an awful pained high-pitched cry followed by the dialtone on my cel.

That was followed by two hours of confusion. Of not knowing what to do. Later hiding in the stairwell at my Grandparent´s apartment complex, afraid to go into the apartment. The only time during the day I let some tears flow.

Because the whole day was followed by "You have to be strong for your father E. You can´t waver."

And I didn´t. Because in a sea of grief I could not be another wave, and so I wasn´t.

My voice, my resolve, my strength wavered once. During a phone call that was never answered. During a voicemail message that was never returned.

But I knew that I was at peace with my Grandfather´s death.

Alberto Gonzalo Mendieta Vivanco was a remarkable man, and he lived and died the way he wanted to. He died while out on a walk, which he loved to do (the walking, not the dying) and died with a clear conscience, without owing life anything. He was full of life and he lived life fully. I say to myself, if I am able to achieve that, I would go on a happy person. So few go that way....and yet all should.

Tomorrow, I run/jog/walk in his honor. He would have loved to see me finish the Nike 10K. And so finish it I will.

Good Luck Grandpa Gonzalo, on your next great journey.

Categories: death, grief, journey, meditation

Some Spiritual Uplifting

I´ve been feeling a lot on the downside lately. Arguments with my family have been escalating and reached a climax recently. Among the things I discovered is that apparently, I´ve messed up my relationship with my dad a bit. It is a two-way street mind you, but it is there. And I´m angry and irritable and cold. I try not to be, but a lot of things have happened recently that have sparked those reactions. More notably, the fact that it seems like everyone has an opinion on the weight loss process I´m going through and they don´t hesitate about telling it to me (I even had the trainer at the club gym make some really unnecessary and hurtful comments to me and my mother will also make a comment if I go for another slice of toast, for example). These experiences, coupled with the fact that it is becoming increasingly psychologically difficult to function in Quito, have understandably made me emotionally fragile and sensitive. Being essentially bullied by pretty much a whole system because I am not a size 2 while I am trying to lose weight to be healthy is not an easy storm to weather. I consider myself to have thick skin, which is really hard to get under. But sometimes even the thickest of skin feels thin.
Before I went to China, I was practicing Kudalini Yoga twice a week with a friend of my mother´s. I must admit that practicing Kudalini yoga was really helping me with the coping process since it helped me balance out some negative feelings I experienced. I stopped when I went to China because I honestly forgot. I was having so much fun and felt happy and balanced that in a way I didn´t feel the need for it. A week ago, the teacher sent me an email about a 4 hour chakra cleansing masterclass with this big Chilean yogi. It was only $20 to attend and I figured it would be worth it, all things considered. So yesterday, armed with all of the anger and frustruation and sadness I´ve been feeling lately, I marched myself to the masterclass with my yoga mat. A lot of really questionable new-age muble-jumbo aside (I can´t really take anyone claiming to know the purpose of life very seriously) it really did me a lot of good. There was this part where she had us do a meditation to let go of our anger. It basically consisted of pretty much punching the air as we repeated a mantra. But it went on forever and she encouraged us to get angrier and angrier and say the mantra faster and faster. I released so much energy in that meditation alone that I could hardly go through with it at the end. A lot of the physical pain I had at different points in my back were gone afterwards and I felt balanced once more. The depressive feelings, the anger I had been bottling up for months and months, were all gone. I did not feel at peace. I did not feel happy. But the anger was gone. And for that, I am thankful. The air in that room after that meditation was charged and heavy. Thick with stagnant qi that had suddenly been forcefully expelled from 35 bodies. I felt it float away harmlessly.
Meditating in a roomful of people, especially when a mantra is involved, is always better in my opinion. Maybe because I one of the ways I meditate is through auditive concentration. Meaning that I keep my mind focused on the duality of unity and division of voices and harmonies in a chant. It feels like a wave and multiple waves - it reminds me of the very nature of the universe itself in that everything is unique but also part of a greater whole. Feeling 35 of the more devoted yogis in Ecuador tune a mantra together feels as incredibly powerful - like being in the middle of a giant tuning fork trying to tune into the frequency of the planet. Hard to explain, I know, but something ethereal and beautiful to experience. Meditating as a group I think is preferable because you are there for yourself, to work on your own problems but you draw strength from the other people there too (the Yogi yesterday correctly pointed out that how can we heal the world if we cannot even heal ourselves? How can you understand the world if you cannot understand yourself? By understanding yourself, the world becomes clearer. Because we are a reflection of the universe. We are a microcosm that is a reflection of the macrocosm). It emphasizes that aspect duality of individuality and the greater conscience. The feeling of interconnectedness with the world. We are part of the planet and the planet is part of us.
Of course, at the end of the masterclass, we were told to go eat light and go to sleep.
I, having eaten a very light lunch, did nothing of the sort. I wolfed down a hamburger with curly fries and root beer (yes, I found root beet in Ecuador!) from "Las Hamburguesas de Rusty" and immediately regretted it. It was my first hamburger and piece of meat in 5 months. My stomach, unaccustomed to eating meat, decided that it hated me and hated hamburgers. I think I don´t like the taste anymore.
Mehr.
I guess you could call it karma for disobeying the yogi.
Oh well....

Categories: angry, anxiety, Ecuador, foodie, hamburgers, meditation, yoga

Playlist One

So, I've decided to have a playlist post every so often of the songs I'm currently listening to. I just listen to an eclectic variety of music, so I thought I'd share. It changes a lot with my mood and with what I'm doing since I usually listen to music when I'm working or trying to write. So here goes!

Playlist One:
(1) "Time" (Hans Zimmer) from the Inception soundtrack - So I haven't actually seen Inception yet, but I'm really dying to see it. It won't be out here in Quito for another 2 or 3 weeks, so that's a little irritating. Anyways, the track itself is great for when I'm writing and I actually used it for when I was meditating yesterday. It is sort of uplifting but with some nostalgic undertones. Right up my alley.

(2) "Death is the Road to Awe" (Clint Mansell) from The Fountain soundtrack. - I really enjoy Clint Mansell overall. He's one of my favorite film composers. Death is the Road to Awe is also one of my favorite pieces by him and a recent discovery. It helps me focus while writing business plans because it is quite cinematic, especially towards the end. I always imagine the trailer for the film I'm working on using the last minute or so of this piece.

(3) "Love the Way You Lie" (Eminem, feat. Rihanna) - Another recent discovery. It is really quite an interesting and intense song. I think what it is trying to communicate - painting the picture of an abusive relationship - is very powerful and really important that awareness of the subject is being raised. Also Eminem and Rihanna did a great job together.

(4) "Homesick" (Kings of Convenience) - I was feeling homesick for the Hudson Valley (which is what I sort of consider my home) and this somehow captured what I was feeling at the time. It's not the lyrics...I think it is more of the melody. Anyways, quite beautiful.

(5) "In Between" (Wouter Hamel) - Great vocals, jazzy...just overall fantastic.

(6) "To be Alone with You" (Sufjan Stevens) - Really love the lyrics, and I feel it is both romantic and a little sad. Although I've heard it is actually about Jesus...in any case, it is still beautiful and I'm trying to learn how to play it on my guitar.

(7) "Alejandro" (Lady GaGa) - Really, who doesn't love Lady GaGa at some level? I actually think she's really talented (I saw a video of her performing an acoustic version of Poker Face on YouTube...holy hell, man, the girl can sing and play the piano!) and I like that she's very vocal about what she stands for but in a good way (I saw her response to some hate protesters at one of her concerts in a very admirable way by asking her fans not to pay attention to those comments...check it out here). And while her music is pop-like, it is quite catchy and Alejandro is a great song to jive to while you're driving. :D Incidentally, I use "Bad Romance" as my wake-up alarm. It's great!

(8) "No Moon" (Elle Lefant) - I actually know the guys in this band. They went to college with me. Nijae was in a short play I directed sophomore year, Max is an acquaintance of mine (met through mutual friends). They're actually quite good! "No Moon" is my favorite of their songs, but I also like "Pulse" and "Runaways". You can listen to their music here.

(9) "Chicago" (Sufjan Stevens) - Yes, another selection from Sufjan Stevens. Not my fault he's good. There's also the fact that N got me into him lately. I can actually play "Chicago" on the guitar.

(10) "Breathe" (Alexi Murdoch) - Up until I got out of the funk, I listened to this one a lot because I felt it sort of captured the feeling of entrapment and the emotional overload that I had sort of been feeling before. I listened to it when I needed to remind myself that I need to remember to breathe and take things slowly as they come and not get overwhelmed.

Bonus:
Didgeridoo and Tibetan Singing Bowls (Music for Deep Meditation) is great music for deep mediation. Playing it in a room that has a nice echo in it makes it even more powerful. It is very relaxing but also allows you to focus on whatever you want to meditate on. I think that's key because a lot of the time you relax with the music but then can't really keep your focus on something and you fall asleep.

Categories: meditation, playlist, playlist one