This Particular Workaholic Needs a Break

I´m burned. I´m just seriously tired. I´m starting to think that taking that extra week at work was a bad idea, but I need the money, so I´m weathering the storm. Except I´m not really. I don´t think. I´m at that point where I just don´t care anymore. And maybe that´s not a point I should be at. Part of me is just really frustrated that the company waster two and a half days of my time last week that could have been spent otherwise. The other part of me is just tired of having to come home to no personal time and work on another project. Right now that project is the translation of a screenplay that is...well...idk if I can really say, but I just feel that it is boring and not particularly innovative. This just makes it difficult and tedious to get back to it and finish it. And has landed me in hot water with only 63 of the 102 pages done so far. With those 102 pages needing to be turned in by tomorrow. Joy.

At this point, I´m just really looking forward to Sunday, when everything needs to be done and turned in. I finish this translation tonight, my job at the office on Friday and then the doc should probably be done by Sunday evening.

In theory.

Naturally, these things have a nasty habit of being affected by Murphy´s Law.

The thing is, I have so much work that I dream about working in my sleep.

Raise your hand if you need a vacation!

Categories: stress, work

Remembering A. G. Mendieta

My Grandfather died two weeks ago.

It feels weird to write that down. It feels weird to say it.

It feels even weirder to think that it has already been two whole weeks. I suppose I´ve been absorbed in work. There has been a lot of it. And a lot of errands to run before I leave.

I was the fourth person to hear about it in my family. First my uncle. Then my other uncle. Then my grandmother.

And me.

They couldn´t reach my father and they figured I could.

It was a weird moment. I was trying to solve some logistical issues at work concerning the locations we had to visit on the field the next day. The world whirled for a second. I was out the door to the patio the next.

It took 30 minutes to reach my father. His response was little more than an awful pained high-pitched cry followed by the dialtone on my cel.

That was followed by two hours of confusion. Of not knowing what to do. Later hiding in the stairwell at my Grandparent´s apartment complex, afraid to go into the apartment. The only time during the day I let some tears flow.

Because the whole day was followed by "You have to be strong for your father E. You can´t waver."

And I didn´t. Because in a sea of grief I could not be another wave, and so I wasn´t.

My voice, my resolve, my strength wavered once. During a phone call that was never answered. During a voicemail message that was never returned.

But I knew that I was at peace with my Grandfather´s death.

Alberto Gonzalo Mendieta Vivanco was a remarkable man, and he lived and died the way he wanted to. He died while out on a walk, which he loved to do (the walking, not the dying) and died with a clear conscience, without owing life anything. He was full of life and he lived life fully. I say to myself, if I am able to achieve that, I would go on a happy person. So few go that way....and yet all should.

Tomorrow, I run/jog/walk in his honor. He would have loved to see me finish the Nike 10K. And so finish it I will.

Good Luck Grandpa Gonzalo, on your next great journey.

Categories: death, grief, journey, meditation

A Lantern in the Dark

I went to the Daoist (or Taoist) temple in Quito yesterday (was unaware that there was one until last week) and it was quite an experience. I am forbidden to really talk about it because of the nature of this particular branch of Daoism but also because the experience itself was so intimate and personal that I doubt I would be able to truly describe it if I could. Taoism exists in several forms: the religious one, the life philosophy, and the pure philosophical canon. Yiguan Dao (the branch of Daoism the temple I went to belongs to) is dedicated to spreading the life philosophy of Daoism which I think is pretty cool. Daoism is seen, as the original source word Dao suggests, as the path to enlightenment or heaven or whatever you want to call it. And thus it sees religion or spirituality as one of those paths to be followed. Every path is different just as every life and every being is different. One can find the path to happiness through Christianity and others through Animism or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever you believe in. It depends on the person.

I´ve felt that I´ve been traveling down my own path for some time. I´ve been aware that it is a path for some time as well. What I experienced last night is akin to receiving a lantern to light the way, and realizing, for the first time, that I had been walking without one. I´ve been walking in the dark.

Now to really explore where this path leads me to....

Categories: daoism

Halloween Spirit

It really is a shame that I´m stuck in Quito, Ecuador for Halloween. It is one of my favorite holidays and I´ve always enjoyed making elaborate costumes. The last (and best) one I´ve made was Wall-E.

My costume played "Hello Dolly!".

You can´t beat that.

This year (like last year) I´ll probably just watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas" again and eat more sweets than I´m supposed to. Wearing costumes to work or to anything other than a halloween party is strictly banned in Ecuador (so trick-or-treating is out) and I´m really not into going to discos, so I guess another viewing of "Nightmare" will have to do. I could watch "Rocky Horror" but really, that´s not fun if you ain´t wearing slutty clothes, slightly drunk, and in an auditorium full of people who are willing to make fun of the film with you.

But, that being said, here´s some examples of excellent halloween spirit from people who are allowed to celebrate it (aka Americans). I´m not sure if I like "Party Rock Anthem" or "This Is Halloween" better. Tough call. Thoughts?

Categories: costumes, halloween

Weak At the Knees

That time I slumped onto the floor in late May has been floating around my head lately.

That day, that moment, my knees turned to jelly and failed me and my vocal chords in so much pain they could not produce a single sound.

Just a painful soundless cry of deep sorrow.

And the sawdust that replaced my stomach - the heavy and airy sawdust that just existed there in lieu of my natural organs - had me gasping for air.

It felt surreal.

That single moment has marked me forever.

As I try to explain - to understand - certain events in my life that led up to that, I am at a loss for reason. I only know what I feel. A deep, profound loss that echoes in my persona now. A loss compounded by discoveries that were made in the months following that.

My metabolism hasn´t been the same. New exams didn´t line up with previous medical examinations. Reasons were in short supply. It was eight months afterwards that a doctor finally concluded that I must have suffered a deep emotional shock. Until he uttered those words, I didn´t really understand how much emotions can impact one´s physicality.

And now my mind fluctuates between anger and grief. Something that meant the world to me was definitively lost at that moment. And it took me a whole six months to really understand that it was the only way that could have possibly gone.

Eventually my voice came back. The sawdust was cleaned out. My knees solidified.

But the wounds have not fully healed. Where the sawdust was is just now a gaping emptiness that goes with me wherever I go.

I try not to dwell on it.

But there are some days, like today, when I do.

Categories:

Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs died today. Seems sort of surreal.

The man who changed modern computing is gone. A visionary entrepreneur is gone.

May he rest in peace.

www.apple.com/stevejobs

Categories: apple, entrepreneurship, iphone 4, steve jobs

More Enticing Cupcake Pix

More Cherry-Malamado-Chocolate Cupcakes! This time in mini form and with buttercream frosting (forgive me for the radioactive green color - I ran out of all other food colors).

Categories: chocolate cake, cupcakes, foodie