One of the Guys

So I went to this 4-year high school reunion thing last night because my friend W made me. My High School classmates spent the evening trying to get me drunk, I spent the evening giving inspirational speeches to them when they came over to tell me about their life struggles. I don't quite know how I feel about that. Anyways, my pants broke somewhere around 2 in the morning but W and Q (who was also there because W made her) insisted that I stay longer. Luckily, my sweater thing was one of those long cardigans that covered up the burst seams. Also, it was very dark so nobody really noticed. The thing is, I sort of immediately regretted the decision. Not because of my broken pants but because it became very apparent that not much had changed since High School in the dancing department. I'm not a bad dancer. I'm actually pretty good. It's just that there were 6 girls (including myself) and about 20 guys and all 20 guys were trying to dance with the 5 other girls and I was left to stand there on the dance floor alone. I thought to myself "F that! I went to a good school, I'm smart, and yes I'm a nerd, and I don't fit the Latin-American standard of beauty by a long shot but I'm done feeling like an outsider among my old high school classmates and feeling like the ugliest of my friends. I don't have to be here and I don't have to take this" so I was about to go call my dad to come pick me up (my parents are really nice that way...I don't go out to party very often so when I do they make sure I go and make sure to help me in any way possible) when I ran into another classmate in need of life advice. That took another 30 minutes. After he left, I glanced back at the dancefloor and the guys were still going at it...like five guys to a girl...I was like "great. That's freaking great". I went to this shady area in the back and I called my dad. It was around 3 am. I decided that I didn't want to go back out there because I was done. I was just done. I found a tree that had some forking branches pretty low to the ground and sat in them, waiting for dad to call so I could leave. It was nice, being alone for a bit in the shadows in a tree. It kind of reminded me of college, when N and I used to climb trees. We once went tree-climbing at night. I was scared out of my wits but it ended up being quite a nice experience. A strange peace came over me as I sat in the tree. It almost felt like being back there, in the Hudson valley....
After a few minutes I saw a shadow approaching from behind and I sort of bolted because I've found that if you sit around in trees in the dark by yourself you're thought of as being strange. And yes, I am strange, and proud of it. As I said before, I never fit the mold here, but I always passed. I was always good at passing (more on that later). And the thing is, if you're strange people say bizarre things about you. I heard a very good friend of mine from High School be called "special" because he was so radically different from everyone else in the school. Not different but special. The way the person said my friend was special sounded really derogatory when he said it. I was very upset because my friend is a very well-adjusted, brilliant, sweet man and yes, he's different because he comes from a different culture but he's also one of the most loyal friends I've had. I got upset that he was being described in that way, because I thought to myself...if this guy knew that I too had beliefs that were radically different from his own, that my idea of fun is having wine while playing Scrabble or talking about social constructs, that I'm a self-declared Star Wars nerd....I too would be special. And I'm better adjusted than him. But anyways, back to the shadow...
So I bolted from the tree back into the light. I didn't get far before someone said "E? What are you doing alone in the dark?" I turned and I thought that I was done hiding it. I'm just going to tell the truth, if they don't like it, they can deal. "I wanted to be alone for a while. So?"
He said "Hey, don't get defensive! I'm not attacking you. You just seemed sad, I wanted to see if you were alright."
"Yeah, I'm fine. I really just wanted to be alone. I'm waiting for my dad to pick me up."
Then a second guy shows up. He's this guy that I always thought was a bit of a dimwit, someone who I had very little respect for since he consistently made fun of how straight-edge I was back in High School. Anyways, the three of us got to talking and they figured out that being at the party was not something I had particularly wanted to do. And then the first guy said something quite wise to me: "Hey, look, you don't look very happy. And this whole face you put on here, the straight-edge, A+ thing...that isn't you anymore. Look, you're weird, and you know you're weird and you should just be weird and tell all the rest of them to f-off because trust me, if you do film, you're weird at some level. Just be who you are, and you'll go far. We all think so."And the guy who I thought was a dimwit before agreed with him.
And I just stood there...kind of flabbergasted. Because they're right.
That's the thing...back in college I had allowed myself to be that true weird E because back there, we celebrated our uniqueness, our weirdness. And every time I come back here, that sort of had to go into hiding. And they're right, I'm 21 and I should be able to be who I am without being afraid of not passing. So I told them that (in much simpler, less eloquent terms...) and then they started to talk about their sex lives (I don't remember how that conversation transitioned into that topic) in front of me. But not in the way guys usually talk about their sex lives to girls, they talked about them in the way they talk about them to other guys. This looked familiar...I was back to being "one of the guys". It felt somewhat refreshing in a way because I was no longer "that nerd girl". The thing is, I usually end up being that girl who is "one of the guys". Most of the time I don't mind it because I get along better with guys anyways and my chosen career is a male-dominated career so I'm used to becoming the girl who is "one of the guys". I mean, it doesn't mean that I'm some sort of tomboy but I've never been particularly girly in the traditional sense either. I came to terms with that in college. I didn't have to be girly to be a girl and that was that. On the other hand I started to think that maybe that's why my social life in high school sucked...maybe I was never really properly thought of as a girl and that's problematic too because even though I don't mind "being one of the guys", ultimately I am a girl and damn proud of being one.
Ah college...you've made me think of gender dichotomy everywhere I go.
Anyhow, I think that I have bigger things to worry about right now. My documentary is coming up fast and I need to do some serious fund-raising and location scouting. And my friend M is coming to visit in less than a month! I'm really excited! :D
Until later!

Categories: high school, tree-climbing, weirdness